Fuck, so much on my mind

I have been trying to do so much, I have to just calm down. I feel like i am Going to blow up. I have been thinking about the past too much again. I am trying to get myself to say fuck you, to everyone else, and just worry about getting my things done. Fuck everything. BUt I keep on working hard, trying to shoot for something that i do not want, or is it that i do not know that i want it. I said that i do not want to have to regret things, so i have applyied to alot of schools that really know nothing about. If i do not get accepted at LMU , i do not care where i go. But i feel that apps have become a priority and my class grades have suffered, and for what, sending out apps for schools that i do not even want to go to. But I still do it. I break my back and cannot figure out why. Is it because I feel pressured by other. I think it is because if i apply, at least I have a chance, I never know what opportunity might present itself. People tell me to think positive, you never know who might accept me. But others tell me, to be realistic so that i will not disappoint myself. Fuck... Iam really confused. I need sleep, but I know that i am not going to until it is 3AM and i am done with the app.